What boundaries have you set regarding other people’s feelings? What boundaries do you want to set right now?

In the first example below of accepting people’s choices I mention my mother being understandably worried about me. But the event also helped me set my boundaries regarding other people’s feelings. Earlier I talked about how at age seven I began not accepting guilt for mother’s feelings and fears. So, it took 10 years and this event to solidify the decision. I was gone for several hours and of course in this instance her concerns were quite justifiable. But what got triggered in me was all the times I felt her worries had been excessive. Throughout my childhood I felt she was afraid of so many things and I had decided I didn’t want to live a life where fear made my decisions. In a few more years I would take into account that there was a 40-year difference in our ages and that her mother had lived with and inflicted upon her even more fears. I didn’t want to take on her fears and I rejected most of them. But beyond that I felt that my mother tried to control me by making me feel guilty about her feeling worried about me. I had let worry about my friend’s condition that I could do absolutely nothing about cause me to make some poor decisions and I chose not to do that anymore. And this event at age 17 helped me put my foot down and quit feeling guilty about how someone else chose to feel.

Accepting Other People’s Choices

What choices have other people made that you have had to accept? Have you made peace with the situations?

I was given lots of examples for this one in my young adult years. Like I said, sometimes I was too honest and straight-forward; but that’s what I chose. My 13-year friendship with my best friend ended when she asked me what I thought of the man she was going to marry. She asked. I told her. She stopped talking to me and didn’t invite me to the wedding. Actually, they might have eloped. They moved to another state. He beat her several times before he hospitalized her, nearly killed her really. She eventually divorced him and returned to town. We tried to rebuild our friendship and even worked at the same place. But several tries over several years showed that our friendship was lost. But I had accepted that when she chose to stop talking to me after I answered her question. And again, even as I say I had accepted the loss of our friendship, there was still a tie between us. I dreamed about her being in big trouble just before her mother told me about her being in the hospital. I borrowed my mother’s car and drove into the mountains exceedingly upset. I ended up putting myself in danger with a poor choice. My boyfriend had told me about it being fun to coast down a hill in neutral. Well, I didn’t take into account that he had a manual transmission on his car and my mother’s car was an automatic with power steering. When you turn a car off that has power steering, you lose your ability to steer. And that’s not a good thing when you’re headed downhill toward a cliff. I did get the car turned back on and maneuvered safely around the corner prior to the cliff. I also quit worrying about my friend. But I don’t suggest this approach. I think I’ve already said that acceptance is a big part of creating inner peace. Acceptance of other people’s choices and how life unfolds.

Another example of having to accept other people’s choices occurred about a year later. In this one I had designated myself as a savior. This was also the case of a battered wife, but with children. I was so positive the woman would leave her husband. Without telling anyone, in my own mind I had decided how I, at the whopping age of 18, would take over the economy of the household. I would help this person get an apartment and help support the household until they were on their own feet. I was so excited that she would finally be free of that man. I had no idea that she didn’t see it that way at all. And then the person called and said: “It’s okay, he loves me.” Writing this, I realize that it’s still a moment frozen in my own mind that I need to let love melt and dissolve my attachments. I threw the phone across the room. I ran out the door and down the street at top speed. I ran as far as I could until I dropped exhausted on somebody’s lawn. I cried hysterically until I was semi-conscious. I have no idea how long I lay there, before I eventually got up and walked back home.

Finally, I realized that there was nothing I could do to protect this person. And worse than that, she didn’t even want protection. I had to find a way to come to a place of peace regarding the situation. It took years, even decades. I had to forgive her for making choices I didn’t agree with. I had to forgive myself for having expectations and opinions about what her choices should be. I had to forgive her husband for his behaviors. It was a lot of hard work. But it taught me that we are not here to live someone else’s life for them. Also, I recognize that her view of it all is completely and totally different from my own. People make whatever decisions they make and have to experience the consequences of those decisions. And it’s not for me to inflict my value judgment about right and wrong on their choices. I still do it all too often, but I do recognize it as fruitless. It only serves to muddy my own feelings.